Anyway - I thought I would save it all up and get it out all in one go ;-)...
Things they didn't tell me (or I didn't listen to):
1. You will get heartburn! I have NEVER had heartburn and am experiencing this charming little state of affairs for the first time. I get it mostly when I am hungry, or when I have just eaten... read that as ALL THE BLOODY TIME! If the old wives tale is correct - this baby has more hair than Justin Hawkins riding a Yak, wearing an Afghan coat and an afro wig!
2. You will feel as though you have a concrete ball in your pelvis (dropped from a great height, and suddenly). This one is kind of obvious, but for some reason I thought that you would just expand gradually and barely notice that you have 2 stone of blub cradled between your pelvic bones... let me tell you THIS DOES NOT FEEL NATURAL! :-)
3. You will end up with feet like Fred Flintstone. I know that I had a head start on this one (since I am already Frodo's foot double), but this is just plain silly.
4. If you are already well endowed in the 'chest' area, I thought you would be immune to expansion. I thought that my girls had done their bit for mankind at High School age, and would leave it at that. Oh no no no... I have gone from slightly silly sized to WOOOAAAAHHHHHH MAMMA sized - and lets just wait to see what they do when this milk comes in! I have already decided to try and sell the surplus supply, and pay for us all to go on holiday to Disney when Piglet is five. Either that, or pay for myself to have a breast reduction as soon as I am done having babies...
5. You will never ever sleep again... between getting out of bed to pee several times a night (looking somewhat like Guy the Gorilla when you finally manage to climb over the mountain of pillows and make your escape from the clutches of the sweat drenched sheets), getting kicked from the inside in unspeakable and previously unimaginable places, and being startled awake by sudden random dreadful thoughts, such as "will I ever be able to go to the cinema again???", "how will I know how many times to change the baby's bottom?!?!", "what if the baby is really ugly, and I don't realise?!?!?"... I might be able to snatch a few minutes of nightmare fuelled slumber, whilst perched on my left-hand side as I desperately try to improve blood flow to my poor fat little hands and feet.
6. You will forget from time to time that you are pregnant... and do ridiculous things (like run to cross the road), which bring you concerned/psychotic looks from other people. In fact - being pregnant means that you are not supposed to swear, flirt (ever so slightly, of course), drink anything vaguely resembling an alcoholic drink (not that I have - but have been told off for drinking alcohol free shandy, of all things!), tell dirty jokes... or even look like you might have anything other than baby-related thoughts. Appearing as though you are the Virgin Mary is required at all times... without the shawl and sandals though. Actually... a wedding ring might have helped me achieve this a little better - but hey, who's looking.
7. You get used to being regarded as public property - people have the right to fondle your fat belly and ask you all manner of personal questions... and then flame you for them.
8. You will get unspeakable rashes and pimples in unspeakable places (I hear that many of these are contracted via the illegal export of Australian textiles... heh). The less said, the better.
9. You will no longer remember your name... or what you were doing five seconds ago.
10. You will no longer remember your name... or what you were doing five seconds ago.
Anyway. Other than that, everything is just great, and I am adoring pregnancy. Ahem. To be honest though, I can't really complain too much... things are going great. We had a scan last week, and Piglet is doing really well (still big!) - soooo cute, he/she yawned and rubbed his/her eyes as if he/she was bored stiff by all the prodding and cooing. Piglet is breech at the moment, and his/her rather large head seems to be wedged under my right-hand rib (charming), so am trying to stand on my head for at least three seconds a day to rectify that ;-) Seriously though... I have read that you can try various tricks to try and get bubba to turn - my faves were playing classical music through headphones pressed on your pelvis (heh), and trying to get the baby to follow a slow moving torch beam - like a moth to a flame. My own other solution was to play some Danish music up around my rib area, and it is sure to flip of its own accord. I got my test results back for gestational diabetes, and everything is good with that - so like I said, things are not so bad.
The house extension seems to be coming along at a rate of knots... I wont go into some of the more tedious details of the actual progress, but needless to say it all goes alot more smoothly when Mark is on site to keep an eye on things (*things* namely being his father and his 'brickie' friend). There has been all manner of debris on the lawn (gasp), and an unprecedented amount of wiping of the kitchen floor. Nightmare.
That's all for now... here is a lovely picture of me taken last week by Sophie in her garden. I am mostly laughing at her children, who thought that the whole concept of taking my picture in my present state was ridiculous as I am "so fat"! Kids... you gotta love 'em! Chloe (her 8 year old) did make me smile when she asked how I would know it was Mark's baby, as he and I are not married... I think he is asking the same question ;-)
Lots of love,
Hayls
xxxxx
