Charlotte's Revenge

Irony.

I spent the early part of yesterday evening fudging around in the garden. I even, casually squished a small spider that tickled the back of my knee whilst I was bending down to re-plant some fuschias I had purchased. I went indoors, cooked myself some delicious calve's liver for dinner, and roasted a ham joint that had been knocking about in my fridge for the last couple of weeks - a delicious glaze I make with sugar and mustard had been playing on my mind the last month or so....

Then I made a mistake. Mark was out with Noel, so I gratefully took the opportunity to scan my 'chick flick' shelf for something to watch on my portable DVD player in bed with a glass of wine... "Charlotte's Web". A nice 'lightweight' children's movie....

"This story begins when John Arable's sow gives birth to a litter of piglets, and Mr. Arable discovers one of them is a runt and decides to kill it. However, his 8 year old daughter Fern begs him to let it live. Therefore her father gives it to Fern as a pet, and she names the piglet Wilbur.

Wilbur is hyperactive and always exploring new things. He lives with Fern for a few weeks and then is sold to her uncle, Homer Zuckerman. Although Fern visits him at the Zuckermans' farm as often as she can, Wilbur gets lonelier day after day. Eventually, a warm and soothing voice tells him that she is going to be his friend. The next day, he wakes up and meets his new friend: Charlotte, the gray spider. Wilbur soon becomes a member of the community of animals who live in the cellar of Zuckerman's barn.

When the old sheep in the barn cellar tells Wilbur that he is going to be killed and eaten at Christmas, he turns to Charlotte for help. Charlotte has the idea of writing words in her web extolling Wilbur's excellence (such as "some pig"), reasoning that if she can make Wilbur sufficiently famous, he will not be killed. Thanks to Charlotte's efforts, Wilbur not only lives, but goes to the county fair--with Charlotte--and wins a prize.

Due to the short lifespan of spiders, Charlotte dies at the fair. Wilbur repays Charlotte by bringing home with him the sac of eggs she had laid at the fair before dying. When Charlotte's eggs hatch at Zuckerman's farm and most of Charlotte's daughters leave to make their own lives elsewhere, three (Nellie, Aranea and Joy) remain there as friends to Wilbur."

I could go on and describe my reaction to this misery-fest... but you get the picture. You will be pleased to hear that I managed to keep hold of my wine glass (and the wine), despite much heaving of shoulders, and the blurred vision I experienced whilst wiping snot bubbles out of my eyes. Anyone fancy taking a roast ham of my hands?