Dear Piglet,
I am issuing a 60-day notice for EVICTION. Tenant will have 60 days in which he can either gather his/her belongings and promptly vacate the premises, or wait until the final day. After which, he/she will be physically removed from the property. He/she's being evicted due to breech of contract and destruction of property. Expansions only to the FRONT of the house, within reasonable limits, were discussed. Not only have these limits been exceeded, but additions to the back of the house were also made. Remodeling and gutting of the home was never approved, nor was changing the initial layout and base structure. And due to property damage, there are now leaks in both the upper and lower levels of the home. On top of which, the landlord has received numerous complaints about nightly disturbances. After 60 days from this day that he/she doesn't comply to the notice will result in immediate and forceful removal at my discretion.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
You might have noticed...
I don't blog an awful lot. Its not that I am lazy (although I am), its just that I don't actually trust myself to write anything but a big whinge-fest re: my various minor but irritating pregnancy related medical symptoms... heh.
Anyway - I thought I would save it all up and get it out all in one go ;-)...
Things they didn't tell me (or I didn't listen to):
1. You will get heartburn! I have NEVER had heartburn and am experiencing this charming little state of affairs for the first time. I get it mostly when I am hungry, or when I have just eaten... read that as ALL THE BLOODY TIME! If the old wives tale is correct - this baby has more hair than Justin Hawkins riding a Yak, wearing an Afghan coat and an afro wig!
2. You will feel as though you have a concrete ball in your pelvis (dropped from a great height, and suddenly). This one is kind of obvious, but for some reason I thought that you would just expand gradually and barely notice that you have 2 stone of blub cradled between your pelvic bones... let me tell you THIS DOES NOT FEEL NATURAL! :-)
3. You will end up with feet like Fred Flintstone. I know that I had a head start on this one (since I am already Frodo's foot double), but this is just plain silly.
4. If you are already well endowed in the 'chest' area, I thought you would be immune to expansion. I thought that my girls had done their bit for mankind at High School age, and would leave it at that. Oh no no no... I have gone from slightly silly sized to WOOOAAAAHHHHHH MAMMA sized - and lets just wait to see what they do when this milk comes in! I have already decided to try and sell the surplus supply, and pay for us all to go on holiday to Disney when Piglet is five. Either that, or pay for myself to have a breast reduction as soon as I am done having babies...
5. You will never ever sleep again... between getting out of bed to pee several times a night (looking somewhat like Guy the Gorilla when you finally manage to climb over the mountain of pillows and make your escape from the clutches of the sweat drenched sheets), getting kicked from the inside in unspeakable and previously unimaginable places, and being startled awake by sudden random dreadful thoughts, such as "will I ever be able to go to the cinema again???", "how will I know how many times to change the baby's bottom?!?!", "what if the baby is really ugly, and I don't realise?!?!?"... I might be able to snatch a few minutes of nightmare fuelled slumber, whilst perched on my left-hand side as I desperately try to improve blood flow to my poor fat little hands and feet.
6. You will forget from time to time that you are pregnant... and do ridiculous things (like run to cross the road), which bring you concerned/psychotic looks from other people. In fact - being pregnant means that you are not supposed to swear, flirt (ever so slightly, of course), drink anything vaguely resembling an alcoholic drink (not that I have - but have been told off for drinking alcohol free shandy, of all things!), tell dirty jokes... or even look like you might have anything other than baby-related thoughts. Appearing as though you are the Virgin Mary is required at all times... without the shawl and sandals though. Actually... a wedding ring might have helped me achieve this a little better - but hey, who's looking.
7. You get used to being regarded as public property - people have the right to fondle your fat belly and ask you all manner of personal questions... and then flame you for them.
8. You will get unspeakable rashes and pimples in unspeakable places (I hear that many of these are contracted via the illegal export of Australian textiles... heh). The less said, the better.
9. You will no longer remember your name... or what you were doing five seconds ago.
10. You will no longer remember your name... or what you were doing five seconds ago.
Anyway. Other than that, everything is just great, and I am adoring pregnancy. Ahem. To be honest though, I can't really complain too much... things are going great. We had a scan last week, and Piglet is doing really well (still big!) - soooo cute, he/she yawned and rubbed his/her eyes as if he/she was bored stiff by all the prodding and cooing. Piglet is breech at the moment, and his/her rather large head seems to be wedged under my right-hand rib (charming), so am trying to stand on my head for at least three seconds a day to rectify that ;-) Seriously though... I have read that you can try various tricks to try and get bubba to turn - my faves were playing classical music through headphones pressed on your pelvis (heh), and trying to get the baby to follow a slow moving torch beam - like a moth to a flame. My own other solution was to play some Danish music up around my rib area, and it is sure to flip of its own accord. I got my test results back for gestational diabetes, and everything is good with that - so like I said, things are not so bad.
The house extension seems to be coming along at a rate of knots... I wont go into some of the more tedious details of the actual progress, but needless to say it all goes alot more smoothly when Mark is on site to keep an eye on things (*things* namely being his father and his 'brickie' friend). There has been all manner of debris on the lawn (gasp), and an unprecedented amount of wiping of the kitchen floor. Nightmare.
That's all for now... here is a lovely picture of me taken last week by Sophie in her garden. I am mostly laughing at her children, who thought that the whole concept of taking my picture in my present state was ridiculous as I am "so fat"! Kids... you gotta love 'em! Chloe (her 8 year old) did make me smile when she asked how I would know it was Mark's baby, as he and I are not married... I think he is asking the same question ;-)
Lots of love,
Hayls
xxxxx
Anyway - I thought I would save it all up and get it out all in one go ;-)...
Things they didn't tell me (or I didn't listen to):
1. You will get heartburn! I have NEVER had heartburn and am experiencing this charming little state of affairs for the first time. I get it mostly when I am hungry, or when I have just eaten... read that as ALL THE BLOODY TIME! If the old wives tale is correct - this baby has more hair than Justin Hawkins riding a Yak, wearing an Afghan coat and an afro wig!
2. You will feel as though you have a concrete ball in your pelvis (dropped from a great height, and suddenly). This one is kind of obvious, but for some reason I thought that you would just expand gradually and barely notice that you have 2 stone of blub cradled between your pelvic bones... let me tell you THIS DOES NOT FEEL NATURAL! :-)
3. You will end up with feet like Fred Flintstone. I know that I had a head start on this one (since I am already Frodo's foot double), but this is just plain silly.
4. If you are already well endowed in the 'chest' area, I thought you would be immune to expansion. I thought that my girls had done their bit for mankind at High School age, and would leave it at that. Oh no no no... I have gone from slightly silly sized to WOOOAAAAHHHHHH MAMMA sized - and lets just wait to see what they do when this milk comes in! I have already decided to try and sell the surplus supply, and pay for us all to go on holiday to Disney when Piglet is five. Either that, or pay for myself to have a breast reduction as soon as I am done having babies...
5. You will never ever sleep again... between getting out of bed to pee several times a night (looking somewhat like Guy the Gorilla when you finally manage to climb over the mountain of pillows and make your escape from the clutches of the sweat drenched sheets), getting kicked from the inside in unspeakable and previously unimaginable places, and being startled awake by sudden random dreadful thoughts, such as "will I ever be able to go to the cinema again???", "how will I know how many times to change the baby's bottom?!?!", "what if the baby is really ugly, and I don't realise?!?!?"... I might be able to snatch a few minutes of nightmare fuelled slumber, whilst perched on my left-hand side as I desperately try to improve blood flow to my poor fat little hands and feet.
6. You will forget from time to time that you are pregnant... and do ridiculous things (like run to cross the road), which bring you concerned/psychotic looks from other people. In fact - being pregnant means that you are not supposed to swear, flirt (ever so slightly, of course), drink anything vaguely resembling an alcoholic drink (not that I have - but have been told off for drinking alcohol free shandy, of all things!), tell dirty jokes... or even look like you might have anything other than baby-related thoughts. Appearing as though you are the Virgin Mary is required at all times... without the shawl and sandals though. Actually... a wedding ring might have helped me achieve this a little better - but hey, who's looking.
7. You get used to being regarded as public property - people have the right to fondle your fat belly and ask you all manner of personal questions... and then flame you for them.
8. You will get unspeakable rashes and pimples in unspeakable places (I hear that many of these are contracted via the illegal export of Australian textiles... heh). The less said, the better.
9. You will no longer remember your name... or what you were doing five seconds ago.
10. You will no longer remember your name... or what you were doing five seconds ago.
Anyway. Other than that, everything is just great, and I am adoring pregnancy. Ahem. To be honest though, I can't really complain too much... things are going great. We had a scan last week, and Piglet is doing really well (still big!) - soooo cute, he/she yawned and rubbed his/her eyes as if he/she was bored stiff by all the prodding and cooing. Piglet is breech at the moment, and his/her rather large head seems to be wedged under my right-hand rib (charming), so am trying to stand on my head for at least three seconds a day to rectify that ;-) Seriously though... I have read that you can try various tricks to try and get bubba to turn - my faves were playing classical music through headphones pressed on your pelvis (heh), and trying to get the baby to follow a slow moving torch beam - like a moth to a flame. My own other solution was to play some Danish music up around my rib area, and it is sure to flip of its own accord. I got my test results back for gestational diabetes, and everything is good with that - so like I said, things are not so bad.
The house extension seems to be coming along at a rate of knots... I wont go into some of the more tedious details of the actual progress, but needless to say it all goes alot more smoothly when Mark is on site to keep an eye on things (*things* namely being his father and his 'brickie' friend). There has been all manner of debris on the lawn (gasp), and an unprecedented amount of wiping of the kitchen floor. Nightmare.
That's all for now... here is a lovely picture of me taken last week by Sophie in her garden. I am mostly laughing at her children, who thought that the whole concept of taking my picture in my present state was ridiculous as I am "so fat"! Kids... you gotta love 'em! Chloe (her 8 year old) did make me smile when she asked how I would know it was Mark's baby, as he and I are not married... I think he is asking the same question ;-)
Lots of love,
Hayls
xxxxx
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef...
Well, I guess it was kind of obvious by my size... but this little Piggy is going to be a biggie!I had my appointment with the midwife yesterday (I won't go into what I think of her here... but lets just say she I am glad she will not be attending the birth!). Anyway... everything looks just great - and she measured my bump (the fundal height - from my pubic bone to the top of my uterus?) for the first time. I am measuring 2.5 weeks ahead of what I should be, which isn't *that* unusual (the uppermost edge of normal). But she gave the bump a squeeze to ascertain baby's position and size etc... and started pulling startled faces. "WOW! That is one chunky baby!"... apparently the enormous bump is not all amniotic fluid, or 'me' (as I supposed), but is 100% fat little Piggy!
Hurrah! That means I might not be the size of an elephant by Xmas this year after all... am looking forward to dumping at least half of my 2 stone-ish (12.7 kg) weight gain on the day it is born. :-)
I know that there are really really obvious drawbacks to having a large baby - but I am trying to be positive and not dwell on those (much!). I think having separate front and back bottoms is over-rated anyway... heh.
I knew what I was getting into... Mark was 10lb 4 when born, and I was 9lb 12 - so it was never going to be 'petite'... am considering taking up smoking or cocaine for the rest of the pregnancy, to try and stop things getting out of hand! ;-) I dont want Norris McWhirter turning up on my doorstep with his clipboard! (ok - so I know he is dead, which makes it unlikely... but its not so funny without Norris involved!!!).
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A Very English Affair...
Our weekend, that is! ;-)
Had a delightful, and all too quick weekend. The big extension started in earnest at the weekend - we got the footings poured (yay!) - which is more of a relief for me than you can imagine, since this is the only part of the entire project that I have project managed as such... did you know exactly how many different types of concrete you can get - and how badly it can all go wrong if you mess that up? No... neither did I ;-)
The rest of the weekend though felt like a complete holiday in 1950s England... Saturday evening Mark and I drove up to Lowestoft, and had a delicious BBQ in Tracy's gorgeous back garden. She has done a really beautiful job of it, and created a real Victorian cottage garden look. I did mess it up a little by buying Henry a "Slam Dunk" basketball set for his 6th birthday this week - but it kept them healthily amused for the entire evening! It didn't occur to me that she will be able to get revenge on me this year onwards by buying me all manner of plastic atrocities for my home and garden in the name of little Piglet... heh. We stayed the night at Tracy's, and on Sunday we went to a garden centre in the morning (quelle surprise), and in the afternoon we had an absolutely fabulous time visiting Somerleyton Hall, on the outskirts of Lowestoft. I forgot how beautiful this place was (we used to visit as children), and how much fun the maze was in the gardens. Henry was in his element - although Oscar had a sort of terrible-twos 'meltdown/tantrum/screaming fit' in the maze, which may just have put me off parenthood a little... gulp! In the evening we had delicious fish and chips, again at Tracy's place, and chatted the evening away before retiring to bed (early!).
Bank Holiday Monday, Tracy had to work (in her goldmine of a shop), so Mark and I made our way over to yet another Garden Centre (Woottens?) in Wenhaston, before joining my parents and the boys in The Pit Stop in Southwold. This is an ace little cafe on the golf course in Southwold, which caters for children in so much as it has an enclosed garden chock-a-block with garish plastic toys and tricycles etc... (the boys love it), and for adults in that it serves delicious cakes, breakfasts and coffees. After downing coffee and cake, we took a wander into Southwold, and had yet more drinks etc... on the pier, before meeting Tracy for a delicious picnic (supplied by her shop!). After lunch, we meandered around the fair on the green (picking up yet MORE plants for the garden), and Mark and I headed off, having enjoyed our weekend immensely.
Sunday evening, Mark had Noel over, and I went to pay Robert and Emma a long overdue visit... and of course, as usual was spoilt with Robert's delicious cooking. This time roast chicken with the most delicious ratatouille I have tasted in a long time, accompanied by some 'sea breeze' asparagus I bought at the fairground in Southwold... bliss. Umm... I forgot to mention that we followed this up by slightly less classy fare - strawberry trifle from Tesco, sprinkled with Gü chocolate brownies, and organic double cream. Pregnancy does have *some* upsides ;-)
Lots of love
Hayls
xxx
Had a delightful, and all too quick weekend. The big extension started in earnest at the weekend - we got the footings poured (yay!) - which is more of a relief for me than you can imagine, since this is the only part of the entire project that I have project managed as such... did you know exactly how many different types of concrete you can get - and how badly it can all go wrong if you mess that up? No... neither did I ;-)
The rest of the weekend though felt like a complete holiday in 1950s England... Saturday evening Mark and I drove up to Lowestoft, and had a delicious BBQ in Tracy's gorgeous back garden. She has done a really beautiful job of it, and created a real Victorian cottage garden look. I did mess it up a little by buying Henry a "Slam Dunk" basketball set for his 6th birthday this week - but it kept them healthily amused for the entire evening! It didn't occur to me that she will be able to get revenge on me this year onwards by buying me all manner of plastic atrocities for my home and garden in the name of little Piglet... heh. We stayed the night at Tracy's, and on Sunday we went to a garden centre in the morning (quelle surprise), and in the afternoon we had an absolutely fabulous time visiting Somerleyton Hall, on the outskirts of Lowestoft. I forgot how beautiful this place was (we used to visit as children), and how much fun the maze was in the gardens. Henry was in his element - although Oscar had a sort of terrible-twos 'meltdown/tantrum/screaming fit' in the maze, which may just have put me off parenthood a little... gulp! In the evening we had delicious fish and chips, again at Tracy's place, and chatted the evening away before retiring to bed (early!).
Bank Holiday Monday, Tracy had to work (in her goldmine of a shop), so Mark and I made our way over to yet another Garden Centre (Woottens?) in Wenhaston, before joining my parents and the boys in The Pit Stop in Southwold. This is an ace little cafe on the golf course in Southwold, which caters for children in so much as it has an enclosed garden chock-a-block with garish plastic toys and tricycles etc... (the boys love it), and for adults in that it serves delicious cakes, breakfasts and coffees. After downing coffee and cake, we took a wander into Southwold, and had yet more drinks etc... on the pier, before meeting Tracy for a delicious picnic (supplied by her shop!). After lunch, we meandered around the fair on the green (picking up yet MORE plants for the garden), and Mark and I headed off, having enjoyed our weekend immensely.
Sunday evening, Mark had Noel over, and I went to pay Robert and Emma a long overdue visit... and of course, as usual was spoilt with Robert's delicious cooking. This time roast chicken with the most delicious ratatouille I have tasted in a long time, accompanied by some 'sea breeze' asparagus I bought at the fairground in Southwold... bliss. Umm... I forgot to mention that we followed this up by slightly less classy fare - strawberry trifle from Tesco, sprinkled with Gü chocolate brownies, and organic double cream. Pregnancy does have *some* upsides ;-)
Lots of love
Hayls
xxx
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I’ve Had The Time Of My Life…
And so the manic weekend went on! So, a month or so before Christmas, Tracy and I thought it would be lovely to treat Mum and Dad to a much talked about trip to the theatre to see Dirty Dancing… I know… why would my Dad want to see that? Anyway… May was around the first date that came up with vaguely sensible prices for tickets (still extortionate!) – and it happened to be the same weekend that I had tickets for Morrissey… nevermind I thought! It will just be an exciting weekend! Urggghhhh… my pregnancy body says no!!!! ;-)
To reduce the amount of fannying about on trains etc… Tracy drove the four of us from Lowestoft to Cambridge on Saturday – and left the car at the Station, ready for our late return home. We got the train into London, and hit Borough Market (our first destination) at lunchtime – just in time for all the delicious stalls to start serving finger food! YUMMMMMMMM… I have to say that I LOVE Borough Market with a passion – a fantastic jumble of expensive but totally classy cakes, fruit, fresh fish and meat, sweets and chocolates (fudge!), pickles, jams, and just about about any luxury food item you can think of! My Dad (how does he stay so skinny!) managed to polish off at least four type of cake within thirty minutes of arriving there, shortly followed by fish and chips for lunch! :-D
In the afternoon, we had a deeply pleasant time wandering around Convent Garden (interspersed with lots of drink breaks and toilet breaks for me!), and had a leisurely tea in Wagamama… foodie heaven! By this time my feet were starting to look like a pair of footballs (I do not exaggerate!), and we resisted attempts by my Father to drag us down to China Town and all of my Sister’s attempts to drag us into as many clothes shops as possible. In my ‘former’ pre-pregnancy life I would have been right there with her – but these days there is nothing more depressing for me than looking at racks of clothes I *might* have been able to wear if I wasn’t the size of a barrage balloon!
A long and arduous journey home was made slightly better by the forethought of leaving Tracy’s car at Cambridge Station (thus avoiding the rabble in the taxi queue) – and on arrival home we were met by another welcome sight – the start of our new ‘family’ sized home… Poor Mark had been killing himself digging the footings for the two-storey house extension we are having! Man the trenches… and hold on to your horses!
NB. The picture above was the original Christmas Card we sent to my parents, informing them that they were seeing the show! It still makes me chuckle every time I see it… sometimes I just think I am too funny for this world ;-)
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